Les Mis Parody - Prologue

Les Miserables Parody - Part 1

*Epic instrumental begins and prisoners chant while miming rowing a boat*
Prisoners: Aah, aah, aaaaaah, aah, aah, aaaaaah... aah, aah, aaaaah, aah, aah, aaaah...
Prisoner #1: AH CHOO!
Prisoners: Look down! Look down! We are the misera-bles! Look down! Look down!
Prisoner #3: Don't step on my contacts!
Prisoner #1: The sun is strong!...
Prisoner #4: How come, when we're in a ship?
Prisoners: Look down! Look down! We've 3 hours of the play to go...
Prisoner #2: I've done no wrong!
Historian: Social injustice #1!
Prisoners: Look down, look down, there'll be many more to come...
Prisoner #3: I know she'll wait! I know that she'll-- look, I found a penny!
Prisoners: Look down, look down, that's why we're looking down...
Prisoner #4: When I get free you won't see me... working at Dairy Queen! *spits*
Prisoners: Look down, look down, we've run out of reasons why...
*Guard squirts Prisoner #5 with some water spray*
Prisoner #5: How long oh Lord before they find out we've been miming all this time?
Prisoners: Look down! Look down! They'll never suspect anything! Look down, look down, Just keep on, keep on miming...
Javert: Now bring me prisoner what's-his-face. Your time is up and you'll go from chorus to main role. You know what that means?
Valjean: Yes! It means I get paid!!
Javert: NO. It means you get your equity card. Now, where was I? You are Jean Valjean and a THIEF.
Valjean: I stole a twinkie!
Javert: You robbed a HOUSE!
Historian: Social injustice #2!
Valjean: I did it for reasons that would make it mostly justifiable. And I also really craved one a twink--
Javert: You will crave one again, unless-- of course-- you learn the meaning of a balanced diet...
Valjean: I know the meaning of those 19 years... Those garden salads-- *shudders*
Javert: 5 years of spinach salad. That is because you tried to steal a Twinkie from the guards!! Yes, 20641.
Valjean: It's 24601.
Javert: ISN'T THAT WHAT JAVERT SAID? Audience: do not forget that name cause you'll need to recognize me later. 20641!!!!
Constable 1 (to Constable 2): He always gets that wrong.
Prisoners: Look down, look down, they haven't noticed yet... Look down, look down, That water looks like real sweat... aah, aah, aaaaaaah... aah, aah, aaaaaaaaaahhh.... *fades*
*Valjean puts on his european man-bag and looks at his equity card*
Valjean: The lead role is mine! I'm in the playbill. I feel the praise, I feel the applause, like it's already here! The world loves m-- sorry, inner thoughts of Valjean now... I drink from the pool, how clean the taste! Never forget the years, the waste... nor forgive them for what they've done! THEY gave me no Twinkies! Not even ONE. The play begins and now let's see, what social injustices are in store for me?
*Workers are miming as if they're threshing wheat*
Valjean: That looks easy! I have 19 years of miming experience! *he mimes*
Boss: You'll have to go, I'll pay you off for the day. Collect your silly man-bag there and be on your way!
Valjean: You've given me half what the other mimers get! This handful of air wouldn't buy my fake sweat!!
Worker: You're an equity actor, it's there for people to see! Why should you want to mime with other chorus members like me?
Historian: Social Injustice #3!
Valjean: And now every door is closed to me, another role, another job, another name! For when I come to any show they check my papers and they see I'm from Broadway! In their eyes, I see their fear... they do not want equity here!!
*There is a crowd inside an inn. Valjean is about to walk inside*
Woman: The stage is full, no spaces to spare. We'd like to have you sing your solo all we want is to be fair!
Valjean: I can sing with the chorus, I can act like a clown! You see how long this prologue is, I don't really have this role down!!
Inn-keeper: You leave my inn because I'm kicking you out. We're very very certain that that's what comes next in the script...
Historian: Social Injustice #4!
*Valjean starts a fight with the inn-keeper and the guests at the inn beat Valjean up. Valjean is very confused what his role is supposed to do next, but he improvises*
Valjean: And now I know how famous actors feel, an equity manager always at your heel, it is the law. This piece of paper in my hand that tells me what roles I can land, it is the law! Like a cur, I'll sit on stage... Don't know what to do so I'll wait...
Bishop: Come in, sir, for you are weary. And the crowd is harsh out there! Though our roles are very different, what we have we have to share... there is wine here to remind you... there are TWINKIES which I heard you love... there's a bed to rest till morning, and I promise I won't kill you in your sleep... *winks*
Valjean: He let me eat twinkies, I had the entire box. This silver in my hand, I think it's my next prop. That's right! In all those 19 years, that lifetime of despair... I'm finally remembering the script! The old fool trusted me, I was nice, or so he thought. I played the grateful serf and kissed his ring a lot. And when the house was still, or is still? I don't know. I got up in the night. I'm so confused. I took the silver and screamed real hiiiiggghhh!!!!
*guards catch Valjean as he's running away*
Valjean: Shoot.
Guard 1: Tell the Bishop what you told us...
Guard 2: Mr. Bishop, this is hilarious...
Guard 1: You were sleeping here the night...
Guard 2: And Mr. Bishop, you won't believe what happens next. We all know the Bishop's real nice, so when he learned about your mess...
Guard 1: You maintain he made a present of this silver...
Bishop: Why, heck yes! But my friend you left so early. Surely something slipped your mind. You forgot I gave THESE also *he hands him two twinkies* would you leave the BEST behind? *winks at Valjean* So Monsieurs, you may release him. For this man is equity. I commend you for really trying, may God's blessings go with you... *makes sign of the cross and turns to Valjean who is on his knees* But remember this, my brother... see in this some higher plan... you must use these precious twinkies... to become an honest man! By the witness of the martyrs...
Valjean: Wha?
Bishop: By the passion and the blood... *points to his cross pendant*
Valjean: I'm confused...
Bishop: God has raised you out of darkness *puts his hand on Valjean's shoulder* I have BOUGHT your soul for God...
Valjean: My sole?
Bishop: Your soul. In your chest, not your foot.
Valjean: Oh.
Bishop: Well....Have fun! *winks and skips off-stage*